Dear Pap-Pap

Dear Pap-Pap,

I can do a nifty trick when dreaming. It's a variation of lucid dreaming, I suppose. When something goes wrong, when I should've done something or grabbed something before the current events of a dream, I go back in time. I change history by "remembering" doing what I should have done. And I will it to have been done. Surely, I grabbed that comb. I picked it up and put it in my bag. See, here it is, all is well. Or surely I gave an important message to someone, a statement I only figured out from current events and am using it as a warning. Surely I said that thing to this person or prepared for the "eventual" events. And there, it's fixed. All is well.

I became so adept at it that I find myself wanting to do it in waking life.

Where are those pictures I took of you? When you were sitting on the arm chair with Laddie on your lap? I remember taking them, but I can't find them anywhere. Maybe I should've put them with the rest of the pictures, saved copies in a backup file, printed them and kept them in a photo album... I did that, right? But they're not there. They're not anywhere but in fuzzy, half-sure memories.

And what about all the other pictures I should've taken? Or the videos? Why did we stop taking family videos? All I have are from when I was a baby, when you were almost 30 years younger. What a difference. I'd even brought Michael's camcorder with me during a visit a few years ago. I should've used that.

What about all those phone calls I should've made? I called you on various dates, right? I asked about your service time in Germany and got all those stories you didn't like to tell. Surely, when you started to remember mom as a child, you'd remember Germany better than you would have a year ago. I did the interview, I recorded your voice, I did all that, right? Surely...

As nice as that would be, the real world doesn't work that way.