I have fallen in love...

... with a scene.

:)

The realization occurred while driving to work today. I drafted a new novel for NaNoWriMo this year. It prompted a conversation with my best friend and her husband about where our stories come from. Usually if I'm blocked, I'm get a pen and paper and handwrite, and that helps the words to emerge. There is something satisfying about handwriting a story. Some people have said that it's because the action is closer to crafting than typing is. Others just like the tactile sensation and find it easier. And last year, I would have agreed (and still do). But this year, the pen blocked my words. Each time I went to write, the words started coming faster and I just couldn't keep up without resorting to typing. When that happened, the words just flowed out of my fingers. And now when I get in the mood to write this story, my fingers start itching... like I need a fix. My best friend agrees that her stories come from her ears because she transcribes what she hears. Her husband says his stories emerge from his arms and down his hands like Wolverine's claws. Upon further serious interrogation, he maintained that statement. So okay.

And because of that flowing through my fingers, I was able to write a scene--one I'd been avoiding for a few days during NaNoWriMo because I reached a point in the extensive chapter and couldn't figure out what my characters would do. The block occurred at "...you girls need to make a hard decision." And then I couldn't decide. After taking some time away from it and expanding earlier chapters, I returned to the block, jotted down a couple extra details, and forced my characters to act. I explored options within the main character's narration, such as "If she does this, I'll do this, and then I'll have to do this afterward, but if she does that, then I'll have to do that instead, and then we'll be in a new mess."

And I thought, "Okay. If I make them run into the house, they'll have to follow through with talking to the police and my main character can't hide from them because they'll want to talk specifically to her to get her testimony, and then they'll recognize her and take her away. And that will kill the story. But if I make her run into the woods, the guy will have to follow her, and then what?"

Well, then they'll run into that pesky troll from earlier.

And then the troll will react because his territory was invaded.

And there will be HUGE conflict.

But it will also pull things together nicely and give that troll more of a character, establishing trust between him and the main character and setting the foundation for future events.

So I said, "Okay," and wrote it. In fact, it's the chapter that helped me win NaNoWriMo because I just couldn't stop typing. I wrote half of that 12,000+-word chapter in one night and stayed up WAY past my bedtime (I had to work opening shift the next morning) just to finish it. And I was quite fond of it when it was finished, and quite proud because of how well it established and solidified the story.

That was about a week ago. It wasn't until today that I realized I was in love. And do you want to know why?

Because even though it contains magic, the scene is real. It's a real-life scenario that just happens to deal with supernatural powers. And I'm not talking high magic. Just grounded stuff. Subtle. It's the kind of scenario that readers may imagine if they were placed in a similar situation and also had powers. The girl does everything that we, as readers, would imagine doing--and still fails. And it's that failure that makes it real. It's all the desperation, gritty details, and inclusion of outside world consequences that make it real. It's also a turning point in two new friendships/alliances, a deepen of characterization for three characters, and a moment that forces the main character to make a much bigger decision than just how she'll get away from a guy who's chasing her, pushing her to meet another conflicting character and, ultimately, her counterpart--which will kickstart everything else. It is a key, pivotal moment for the whole story. It is the beginning of the end of one life and the start of something new.

And I LOVE it. It caused a hiccuping sensation in my chest like my heart literally changed places or skipped a beat. It caused that jolt when you realize that what you feel for someone/something is so much more than what you initially thought. It reaches further into your life and connects to the deepest part of you. I never thought I'd feel that way about a scene. Because really, it's just a sequence of words. And yet there it is.

And I really hope that it will stick around. That no change in the story will cause a huge revision/rewrite and cause me to delete the scene. That the old revision rule of "kill your darlings" won't apply to this one.

And I really hope that when the final draft is out and published, you all will love it, too.

Responsibilities with a Bookstore and Reviews

Ever since working at my undergrad university's library, I've had a goal of someday working at a bookstore as well. And here I am. And it's great. Exhausting, but great. I'm on my feet all day (which kinda sucks), but I get to work with books and talk to people about books and movies. My coworkers are all nerds/geeks/dorks, as are most of the customers. I've managed to make extra sales just by telling people that something exists, or how awesome something is.

Tonight ends my second week of work. I had a five-day stretch, a four-day weekend, and then a seven-day stretch. Wednesday and Thursday are my weekend days this week. Six days was tiresome, but seven days made me begin to think that this is just how life is: you wake up, you go to work for eight hours, you get home, relax for a few more hours, and go to bed. And repeat. Every day. Without end. Tomorrow, I'll feel odd waking up and not getting ready for work. I'll feel like I should be doing something, though I certainly have other responsibilities.

It's like when cats fall from buildings. I forget the exact numbers, but... within about three stories the cats react to falling, flip around, and land easily. Between five and ten, or so, they are falling long enough to freak out and realize that something is wrong. This is when they get hurt because they tense and break something upon impact. But between ten and above, they relax again because they are falling long enough to think that falling is just how life is, that it was always like that.

My seven-day stretch was my ten-story fall. And now I can relax.

Kinda.

I sent out a second revision of a review that came through Submittable for Weave. That was cool. If the guy gets back to me within a day or so, I can schedule a post for the weekend and get three reviews up this month. I already have another review waiting to be edited, which I'll also do within the next couple days. It will be the first to go up for October. This one came through a volunteer on Facebook for a fellow alumna's recent publication. It'll be a test run to see if the writer, a Chatham MFA candidate, will be good enough to hold a stable position as a creative nonfiction reviewer (our first). Past that, I have two more coming in between now and the first week of October (fiction and poetry), which will fill out the rest of October nicely.

I also have my own review to finish for Coal Hill Review. For whatever reason, this month has not been kind to me regarding reading pace. Perhaps I burned myself out. Perhaps work has taken a harsher toll than expected. It's taken me a month to read one 300-some-page book. The review is due on the last day of September. Thankfully, I'm taking notes, but I still feel incredibly behind because I'm barely halfway through the book. And then there's another review due on Oct. 15 for a print publication in Canada. The book was good (-ish), but place (Canada) has a definite character in the story, and I'm concerned that the review won't be accepted well if I'm critical. I'm trying to find a balance, but there isn't much to say about the book. We'll see how that goes. Thankfully, Weave told me to hold off on my own reviews until I get writers on a decent schedule, so I don't have to write three reviews next month (or read two review books in that time).

Working at Half Price Books is very, very dangerous for an avid reader. I keep finding things that I've been searching for and putting them on hold in my cube (cubby) until I can afford to buy them. I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet and already I've spent over $30. Some of it's been Christmas presents, and other items still on hold fall into that category, but at least half has been my own books. I have so many on my bookshelf that have yet to be read... I really don't need more books... yet there they are. So I as much as I want to have some leisure reading time, these reviews have been weighing over me. I don't anticipate this feeling going away any time soon.

Job Prospects? What Job Prospects?

Within the past two months, I have applied to a handful of assistant editor and associate editor positions at publishing companies. These are the types of positions that scare me, the ones at Penguin Random House and Amazon and Simon & Schuster in New York City--the ones that will inevitably be the best kind for me. I have heard nothing from them. The nearby Half-Priced Books has a full-time bookseller position that I interviewed for earlier this week. The pay starts at $8 an hour, with full benefits, and after six months it increases a certain percentage, which can continue to increase depending on performance. There are also quarterly bonuses and a Christmas bonus, and between 20-50% employee discounts on certain items in the store. Everyone there is a nerd, and I'd love to work around books again and talk to people about stories and movies every day. I am still waiting to hear back from them regarding either an acceptance or a request for a second interview with the store's manager. If I don't hear from them by the end of the week, I have to call.

I finally heard back from a nearby literary agent. I've been trying to get an unpaid internship with a Pittsburgh-based agency for... almost a year. Every season I message her, and every season she comes back saying that there are no slots available, and to try "next semester." There's something to be said about persistence, something that might get me a slot in the end, but I'm starting to feel as if I'm being strung along. And with the recent Black Swan ruling concerning internships, I don't know if I'll be able to get one with the literary agency in the end. It's basically a job that someone could be paid for, and because I'm not in school, they may not allow me to work there. However, it is an area about which I am not completely familiar, and so furthering knowledge might be reason enough to let me in. Regardless, if I get the HPB position, I'll probably be around town for a while yet. And because the store is open all the time, and the position is at least 40 hours a week, I might be able to not work in the store for a day and use it instead to work in the lit agency's office (which requires office work at least once a week and the rest is remote). But of course... there is no saying right now.

And the funny thing is that I can't really complain about all of this on Facebook because my friend Renee beat me to the punch months ago. She got her master's in... folklore or teaching or something like that. She wants to be a teacher, and so applied to a bunch of positions. A staggering amount. After a while, she had to return to work at Giant Eagle because she wasn't finding anything else. Finally, she got a community college position that she's thrilled about. But throughout her half-joking complaints of "No one wants me! Why don't you like me? No one wants to hire me? Etc.," we were all answering with "You're amazing! You'll find something! Surely someone will see how awesome you are." And now that I'm going through the same thing, I keep thinking of her posts and wanting to echo them. I won't, of course, but it's kind of amusing. The good thing is that if I don't get hired at HPB, I still have a year's worth of unemployment benefits as long as I continue to submit applications and resumes. So there's that.

I've started working on a couple new writing projects. Novels will always be in process, and I managed to think of a scene continuation in a story that I haven't thought about in years. And I'm slowly adding to my NaNoWriMo novel. But I've also started a short story that required research into mining canaries, and a nature writing piece about my grandmother and a little bird at my apartment (I think I've officially decided to call the piece "Old Bird" for the double meaning). The problem with the short story is finding plot for actual scenes instead of a monologue. And the problem with the essay is finding a theme with depth and universality, one that isn't "saccharine" or "sentimental," which many nonfiction literary magazines expressly forbid in calls for submissions. So I can't just reminisce about events--they have to mean something and all tie together. My teacher-friend from Chatham who cover Environmental and Nature Writing agreed to help out a little. She's insanely busy but sent information and samples regarding braided essays. I still have to read through them (because of trying to write a review that's due this week and read a book that's due very soon), but will eventually. Still, it's nice to know that teacher-friends will help out even if you're not a student anymore. :)

First Creative Nonfiction Publication!

Nothing gives you a self-esteem boost quite like a publication. My submission to Diverse Voices Quarterly was finally published today! It's called "Popping a Cherry with a Lemon" and is about a 2009 College Media Convention in Austin over Halloween, and my adventure atop Coyote Ugly's bar. Yes, the bar exists. It's apparently a national chain.

This marks my second creative publication, and my first creative nonfiction essay for travel writing. I'm so excited! The girl who's also in it, Stef, said that she feels like a star. She's so happy about it and how it turned out. First she commented on my initial Facebook post:

That's soooo awesome, Nicole! It not only painted a picture in my mind, but it took me back to the feeling of being there! The part about when we got up there gave me chills and I could see it all again from up there! Haha congrats girl!!! You couldn't have explained the feel of that night any better. Makes me wanna go back!

That is such an awesome comment and compliment. So much love to her. Then, she quoted me in a status update:

Stef nodded and used a barstool to hoist herself up. And I thought, why not? How will my friends react when I tell this story and end it with my refusal? When will I ever have this chance again? -- Nicole Bartley --what a great read!! I feel like a star!

So that was cool. Really, really cool. I'm so happy she liked the piece. Her not liking it was one of my major concerns, but all worked out in the end. The other major concern I have is the sexual nature of the piece, though nothing much happens. It's more sensual and a little risque than damaging to my reputation. And after I re-read it, I realized how conservative it actually is. I'm half tempted to track down the company headquarters's email and send them a link to the story, by way of promotion of my own writing and the company's chain. Either that or contact the location via signing their website guest book. Very tempting. Should I? It's not as if I'm making money off their name, and it paints them in a good light.

Also, Michael is 10 pages away from finishing my thesis. That has lifted a weight off--just the fact that he stuck with it and is about to FINALLY finish. I asked him a bunch of questions, including whether he was invested in the characters or finding out what happens. He said, "Well, I want to know what's going on. That's why I continued reading it. So I guess I'm invested."

Works for me. :)

It's a Writing Life for Me

I entered this summer expecting to sit and write everyday. I have time! Loads of time! All I need to do with write and read and it'll be awesome!

Somehow, that didn't happen. And then unemployment woes kicked in. Those have recently been corrected, or are at least in the last stages of being corrected. I applied to a few out-of-state jobs and marked them on that paper, so UC can't yell at me for not searching. And I have other jobs from LinkedIn that I'm going to apply for. One of the applied-for jobs was a freelance proofreading position, which I didn't get because I missed spelling errors and other problems, apparently. That's a kick in the gut. I half-joked that I would begin reading the Chicago Manual of Style and the dictionary every day, and I might start soon.

Camp NaNoWriMo (the second camp session for the year) was this month. My goal was to revise November's novel project and add 25,000 words. I'm barely over 9,000 with about seven days to go. Great... Luckily, I'm back to writing everyday again (which was the whole goal of joining the camp this month), and I've revised up through chapter four and completed chapters five and six. Six was almost an entirely new chapter, with only a paragraph or so pulled from Later Scenes. But now begins a harder task of keeping track of new material when I'm pulling from that separate document. I can't count the words that were already written, and yet... that's basically what I'm going to do. I'm going to strive for that 25,000 mark. Maybe even go above that. And when I paste in the story for verification, it'll probably be over 50,000 in the system. I just have to keep writing.

The last week of this month is crazy busy. I have a proofreading session of Pittsburgh Quarterly to finish by 1 p.m. Sunday but am also having a Girls' Day Out on Saturday. I'm halfway through writing a recent review and it's due on the 31st. And I wanted to get a head start on next month's second review, but haven't been able to read because of all the writing and proofreading.

But it hasn't all been the grand literary life. I realized that if I want to stay on my career path and become the person I want to be, not only do I have to continue writing and sending out submissions, but I also have to move. Pittsburgh, for all its artistic glory these days, has a woefully small publishing market. I need to move away if I want to get back on track. I suspected that Michael would follow me soon after I moved, depending on my destination. He joked that he might follow if the city was interesting.

I discovered yesterday that, no, he wouldn't follow me. That was a kick in the heart. He's building foundations in Pittsburgh because of the budding markets and likelihood of being funded for projects. He wants to remain here, and I can't. We talked about doing a long-distance relationship for a while, but now that plan is problematic.

His life coach wanted to meet me and we went for a joint session yesterday. It turns out that what I thought was a comfortable, healthy relationship was actually full of uncertainty on Michael's part. He wants to know where we're going, and is convinced that a long-distance relationship will eventually peter out. Meanwhile, he's all for trying it. I can't quite understand that because he's also not willing to get married. Neither am I, for that matter. So it's basically a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation--unless I want to give up my career dreams and find some menial job around Pittsburgh just to remain in the relationship. And that just... is crappy. Especially if we're not in love, and especially if we're not working toward one day getting married. I won't go into any more details about it, because it's incredibly complicated and terrifying.

I suspect that all this uncertainty came from the life coach. He doesn't understand how our ambiguous relationship has worked for three years. Most people don't, actually. That's why he wanted to meet me, to better understand Michael's life and see where we  both are coming from. But I worry that him asking questions and providing the ideas to establish decisions resulted in Michael asking questions. I was wary about visiting the life coach specifically because I didn't want him to drastically change our relationship, and that's what's happening. Michael joked when he came back into the room after I spoke with the life coach alone. He said, "So, are we still dating?" Later in the session, I asked him that same question.

I still can't answer it.

Unemployment Complications and Terror

The plan was to spend the summer writing and working on literary endeavors, and then submit job applications at the end of August.

Don't remind me that it's already mid-July...

I was planning to take a break from everyday work, dive into my true work, and then trudge back into a 9-5. But that job was supposed to be out-of-state at a publishing company or something actually within my field. Because let's face it, the only way I'm going to stay in my field is to move away. Pittsburgh may be getting recognition for its artistic endeavors, put pickings are slim for a writer with a publishing concentration. Slim, and positions are already filled.

And finally, after weeks of revisions and investigations, I'm eligible for unemployment compensation. I received back payments for the weeks I claimed, but it's considerably less than I expected, and less than I received last year. A biweekly amount of $374 instead of $410. Amazing what a difference $40 makes. That's my cellphone payment, right there, or a grad loan payment, or the electric bill.

But today I got a reminder that I'm to report to a mandatory CareerLinks meeting in Pittsburgh (date to be determined), where they explain to me how to use the site, explore the site to browse jobs, build a resume, apply, dress for interviews, survive interviews, etc. All stuff I know that, surprisingly, most people don't. They told me this last year when I went. They told me how different I was, that the program was for people who didn't know. They let me leave after 10 minutes because I was participating in an internship with Autumn House Press and Pittsburgh Quarterly. I was furthering my career. Technically, I'm still in that latter internship. But this year, despite PQ, I'm not really in an internship. The literary agent one I was going to apply to isn't until another couple weeks, and CareerLinks probably won't accept that. Nor will they accept my writing or editing positions because they aren't paid, despite furthering my career. But because I'm still doing so much to further my career, and because I attended last year, I'm going to call CareerLinks and see if I can get some sort of waiver. I also simply don't have the money to drive into Pittsburgh and pay for parking. The problem is: If I don't attend this mandatory meeting, I could lose my compensation.

But that's not all folks! I also got a notification stating that I'm to bring a record of my job applications. This includes the date I applied to the job, the contact information, the contact person, and the results. In addition, I have to include records/lists of online searches. All to prove that I'm not putzing around and hoarding the government's money. Because if I don't provide adequate records, if I don't apply BEFORE this CareerLinks meeting, I could lose my compensation.

Online job searches isn't a problem. I frequent LinkedIn and BookJobs.com regularly and have some opportunities saved.

This has stepped up my itinerary by about two months. Now I have to start applying to out-of-state jobs. And I have to apply to jobs that aren't preferred jobs, just to have something. And I'm not too crazy about picking up my life, turning it on its head, and moving across country or to a nearby state just to get any job that comes my way.

And yes, I understand that I probably won't get any of the first jobs I apply to. And having them listed is all that's required. But what if? What if I am selected? It happened with PNC. And what if I have to suddenly figure out what to do with my car, and how to transport Ember, and pick a stranger as a roommate? What if I have to go to a location that seems promising at first, and then get a second job to survive and lose all writing/reviewing/reading time? What if I go to a location that requires me to starve just so I can pay bills?

I'm not ready for this kind of thing. I wasn't last year, and I'm not now. But... when will I be? After Ember dies? When I have my bills paid off? What if this is the time to jump and I was too scared?

For years, I was terrified of driving through Pittsburgh traffic patterns. But when I had to stay with Kim during Chatham's summer residencies, and had to drive myself that second year, I faced that fear (with extreme anxiety) and learned the roads and traffic. It all turned out just fine. And this will, too. I have to trust that it will. But I'm still absolutely terrified.

Pick Your Battles

It was bound to happen sooner or later...

Recently, I was promoted to the position of reviews editor for Weave Magazine. It's an incredible honor that looks great on my resume and portfolio. (And no, it's not paid let. I'll enthusiastically let everyone know when I get a paid writing job again.) Laura gave me some goals to work toward in four weeks, which apparently were satisfied in a couple days (for assignments), and a bunch to work toward. I'm still in the introductions and coordinating stage. Basically, it amounts to at least one review from me per month, one review from someone else that only had to be assigned, and a chapbook roundup review. I've already satisfied the first earlier this week, the second was assigned a couple days ago, and the third is in the process of being edited. Ta-da. So this month we'll post two reviews, and next month will be three, and so on.

What was bound to happen was a clash between generations. I need to learn as much as possible about my reviewing writers. One of them (who does the chapbook roundup assignments) is a woman who played the experience card with me the other day and reminded me that she's been reviewing for 30 years. She has her own review journal, teaches a writing class (I think), writes a bunch of reviews all the time, etc. She's daunting to work with, and I feel like a greenhorn compared with her. What makes it more complicated is the fact that she reviews poetry, whereas my forte is fiction. So already, she's in a teaching position for, basically, her editor.

I won't get into details about the clash. It came down to style. We are being civil and nice toward each other. We are communicating and making promises with appropriate follow-through. We are building a beneficial foundation for future work and have mutually stated that we look forward to working with each other. And, as far as I know, it's all genuine. It's just an odd situation, and probably an introduction to something I'll encounter many more times in my career: The generational clash. The "I've been writing this way for a long time."

This conflict, however brief and polite, was my introduction to the concept of picking your battles within publishing. I'm still technically the noobie, and it's wasted energy to say, "Okay, but we're trying it this way now." I also don't want to lose a writer who has been consistent and reliable.

I knew this was coming before being officially appointed as editor. I hope that everything was handled professionally and appropriately, and that this incident won't establish an expectation that I'll cave at the first sign of opposition. It'll be interesting to see if I let this writer do her own thing from now on and just roll with it, or if the conflict will appear again. I don't yet know.